In The Beginning

Ok, let's get this party started, shall we?  I'm gonna jump right in with the personal nitty gritty that is my battle of the bulge and lay my soul bare.   This is going to make my ass sweat in embarrassment but if I can't be honest with myself here, then where can I be?

My name is Meg and I am fat.  In the past nine years I have gained over 100 lbs.  When I began my latest weight loss plan 7 months  ago I was tipping the scales at a whopping...224 lbs.  Honestly?  It makes me ill to have to write that number.  Unfortunately, that wasn't even my heaviest weight, 230lbs. was.

Okay, so yeah, the scale said 230lbs. and I knew I FELT fat, but honestly, when I looked in the mirror, damn girl, you looking good!  I guess I never really saw myself as fat.  I had cute clothes, a cute haircut and I looked like I cared about myself.  At least, that's what I thought.  Until I went on a girls' trip to Arizona with some of my friends from Michigan.  When we got home everyone performed the ritual of posting and tagging photos from the trip on Facebook.  Eagerly clicking on the pictures I was HORRIFIED by what I saw.  I wasn't just chubby or curvy or a little overweight, I was obese.  I was so fat and so heavy I wanted to cry.  Why hadn't I ever seen myself like this when I looked in the mirror?

So, after making all the pictures of myself private so none of my other friends could see them I sat and thought about that trip to AZ.  We got to my friends' house where we were staying for the few days there and I was dismayed to see there were about 20 stairs leading to the room we would be staying in.  I always went up the stairs last so that I wouldn't hold anyone up and they wouldn't hear me huffing and puffing to get up them.  We went hiking and after about an hour in I finally started crying and begged the girls to turn around because I just couldn't keep up.  When we go to the Grand Canyon the girls wanted to walk around, take pictures, get a view from different spots, I wanted to sit in the car.  One night we went got a late start and hit the bars without getting dinner first.  Everyone else was happy to be out and about and couldn't have cared about food.  When we got back at 2 a.m.  I was really upset about having missed a meal, but tried my best to keep it quiet.  After seeing these pictures and recalling the trip I knew I really did have a problem with food and I needed to get help.

Me (in yellow) at 230lbs. during our trip to AZ

I had to admit to myself that I had an eating disorder.  I was a compulsive binge eater and no amount of trying to talk myself out of it was going to help.  I needed professional help.  It took me several more months to reach out and get the help I needed, but I started therapy and worked on getting better.  After three months of therapy I had to admit to myself and my therapist that it wasn't working.  I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't getting out of therapy what I had hoped I would.  On my way out the door the Doctor gave me the best advice she had offered during our entire 3 months.  She suggested a prescription for Wellbutrin.

It took me another nine months of binging, gaining weight and hating myself to finally go to a Doctor, confess my sins and get that prescription.  At the same time a friend of mine told me she was joining Weight Watchers and asked if I would do it with her.  Those two things have been some of the best things that have happened in my life in a very long time.  The Wellbutrin helps curb my compulsive thoughts and tendencies and Weight Watchers gives me a plan for eating that I can truly live with for the rest of my life.

So, 7 months later I am down 50lbs. to 174 and it feels good to look at the scale and say, "I ONLY have to lose 50 more pounds to reach my goal!" instead of "Holy shit, I have to lose 100 pounds."  I can take exercise classes and make it through the whole hour and have energy to spare.  I can swim all day with my kids and not feel like I am the fattest person on the planet.  I can climb the stairs to my bedroom every night without gasping for air and trying to hide it from my husband.  I can sleep at night without the eating disorder voice plotting and planning the next day's food, where, when and how to get it.  I can sleep through the whole night without having to get up and use the bathroom because my stomach is so upset from all of the fat and grease I consumed throughout the day.

Me today at 174lbs. - still another 50 to go!

I have a new outlook on life, but I still have a long way to go and I know that for me sharing my story and working out my feelings in writing really helps keep me on track and keeps the focus on getting better and not on the food that used to help me avoid those feelings.  I'd love to hear your story too, let's get through this together, one day at a time.

Stormy Weather

Since January I have to say my weight loss journey and road to recovery from compulsive binge eating has been pretty much smooth sailing.  There have been few cravings, the eating disorder voice has been largely quite and I have maintained a slow and steady downward trajectory towards my goal weight.  I haven't had a single binge, a single "slip" other than planned celebratory treats that are worked into my Weight Watchers points and I haven't gained a single ounce of weight in the 7 months I have been dieting.  By all accounts I have become a stellar dieter. 

On top of all of that I have not once felt like this wasn't going to work, that I couldn't do this or that my WW plan was too restrictive.  I finally found something that works and I feel like I could be on this plan forever, continue to be able to live my life and attend parties, go out to dinner and have summertime treats with my kids without feeling like I am "cheating".  For a food addict like me it is HUGE to have a plan like WW by my side that allows me to work small treats into my life so that I don't feel deprived and obsess about the things I can't have, which in the past would lead to binging.

But, my goal isn't just a weight loss goal, it also includes being free from my food addiction forever, so on that end I have also begun to do the emotional and mental work it will take for me to be free from my eating disorder forever.  Everything has been going just swimmingly, until today.

Forgive me if this is TMI, but for the last 3 months I have been having digestive issues off and on.  Some days I feel bloated and constipated and other days I am rushing to the bathroom several times a day.  Then suddenly, for the last 3 weeks I have been very constipated.  Almost nothing is moving, I can feel every meal I have had at the end of the day just sitting in my stomach.  The last two weeks I have ended up taking a laxative on Friday night before bed in the hopes of going to the bathroom in the morning.  In the morning I finally get relief, but I am back to blocked the rest of the week, until the next laxative.  I have even taken stool softeners and done an enema in the hopes of getting my system back to normal and have had almost no relief.  With no other options I have an appointment with my Doctor on Monday.

I was feeling particularly terrible on Tuesday so I weighed myself and weighed almost two pounds more than I had on my weigh in on Saturday.  I knew it was because all the food I had eaten for the last three days was just sitting in my system with nowhere to go.  I have been dealing with this for three weeks now and I am hesitant to take another laxative since I know that it will only provide temporary relief and I don't want to get in the habit of taking them.  I'm also planning on skipping tomorrow's weigh in because I don't want to be disappointed with the results of what I logically know is just a problem of being backed up, but am afraid just the same that will derail my mental progress in the battle against my eating disorder.

But, life must go on and this is my kids' last week of summer vacation so we met up with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and I got my kids some pizza for lunch.  The ED voice in my head saw that pizza, knew I wasn't going to weigh in tomorrow and started urging me to eat the whole fucking thing.  I felt myself reverting back to my old habits, my old mind set.  I had budgeted two slices of pizza for myself for lunch and a salad since I hadn't had breakfast, but once those two slices were done I wanted a third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth.  After my slices were finished and the kids had returned to playing their games and I sat eating my salad I actually looked around to see if anyone else was watching and thinking about "sneaking" another slice.  No one would have given a shit if I had another slice, it's fucking Chuck E. Cheese,  no one would have batted a damn lash at me having another slice of pizza, but that is my old eating disorder mentality, overeating is to be done in private, secretively so that you can't be judged for it and everyone will think you are just big-boned or something instead of fat because you eat too fucking much.  If no one saw you eat it, it didn't happen.  It was all I could do to NOT grab another (or four) slices.  I had to remind myself that even if no one saw me eat the extra slice I would know I ate the extra slice, the scale would know I ate the extra slice and worst of all my eating disorder would know I ate the extra slice.  I have lost almost 50lbs. and no cheap slice of arcade pizza was going to derail my progress.  So, I told the eating disorder to shove it, finished my salad and went to join my kids at skeeball.

Now, sitting in my livingroom reliving the experience I can look back and see that I learned several important things today, no matter how difficult the lessons:

1. I am stronger than my eating disorder.  Just because it begs me to do something doesn't mean I have to listen.  After all that sinister voice whispered it's directive in my ear and I didn't listen.  I stuck to my plan, ate my two slices and salad and walked away from the rest.

2. I never knew what the exact emotions were surrounding my binges, but I found out one of them today.  Disappointment and defeat.  Every dieter knows the rationalization of, "Well I already blew it anyway, so I might as well go all in.  I can get back on track tomorrow."  But, why wait until tomorrow to get back on track?  Why not get back on track right NOW or,  in my case before the binge even begins?  Because the rational, non-ED part of me KNEW that opening that particular bag of chips would have resulted in me falling back into my disorder mentality full force and I might never have been able to get the bag closed again.

3. Eat some damn breakfast!  Not eating breakfast because I was going out to get something really terrible for me for lunch is eating disorder behavior.  Had I had a filling breakfast full of protein and fiber as I know I am supposed to I wouldn't have been tempted by the pizza.  As silly as it sounds, when you are dieting or recovering from an eating disorder you should probably never ever leave the house hungry.  You should never go to the store hungry, pick up the kids from school hungry, go out to eat hungry.  Temptation is around every corner and if you are hungry it allows bad thoughts to creep in and a person who is overweight can justify any extra calorie or swing through the drive thru.  I know the excuses:  "but I didn't eat breakfast, so it's okay", "well, I'm really hungry and I won't be able to wait to get home to prepare something to eat", "it's just one time, this one time won't hurt", "okay, so I slipped up, I will do better tomorrow".  When you live with an eating disorder there may not be an opportunity to do better tomorrow because letting your guard down just that once can lead to a full blown relapse.  Anyone who has lived with an eating disorder knows there is no such things as, "just this once".

So, while it was a tough day and I was really, really upset about hearing that voice in my head again, as I sit here tonight I know I am going to be okay.  This is the first time this challenge has come up in all these many months and I faced it head on, stood my ground and lived to tell the tale.  I have renewed faith in myself and in a way it was good for me to have this hiccup and see just how far I have come in my struggle to get "sober" and stay there.  Now I KNOW I can do it and I am strong enough to fight the battle to the end.